Beauty in the Breakdown

seasonal affective disorder: n. a mood disorder in which people who have normal mental health throughout most of the year experience depressive symptoms in the winter, or less frequently than in spring, summer or autumn.  Also known as SAD, winter blues, or winter depression.

Say what you will about my self-diagnosis.  Even call me a wimp, that's fine.  I've come to this conclusion... I hate winter, and yes, I'm going to be a baby about it.  I know hate is a strong word, but really, where is the sun?!? Also, this whole snow thing gets kind of old when there are no benefits, and it never melts.  Thus your pants, shoes, and socks all end up sopping wet, your feet end up freezing, and you catch cold.

I never second guess my decision to move to DC, but some days that go by are easier or better than others.  In the end, I know all of these life lessons are being taught to me for a reason, and I can feel myself becoming more independent and self-aware. 

The song, though, that has stayed in the back of my head from deciding to move, packing my bags, starting life here, losing my job then my wallet, and now beginning a new chapter professionally, is "Let Go" by Frou Frou. I could probably write a book on the lyrics of the entire song and what they mean to me, but I'll spare you and just focus on the end of the first verse leading into the chorus:

Excuse me, too busy 

You're writing your tragedy

These mishaps

You bubble-wrap

When you've no idea what you're like

So let go, let go

Jump in

Oh well, what you waiting for?

It's all right

'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown

So let go, let go

Just get in

It's so amazing here

It's all right

'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown. 

To me, this beautifully depicts figuring yourself out.  The situations that you just try and brush under the rug and ignore are eventually going to come to light, so why not just face them head-on and see how you handle yourself?  So what if you mess up.  You get back up after jumping in, breakdown if you need to, then just go for it again until you get it right. Trial and error.  Who cares how many tries you make and how many times you fail.  What matters is taking the plunge to do what you desperately want but are terrified to, because in the end, regardless of the outcome, you're going to feel amazing for having tried.  

I'm a glass-half-full kind of gal and a sucker for inspirational quotes, so I love that this depicts breaking down as beautiful.  But really, it is.  Taking a risk and failing builds character.  

We're also never alone.  The way the song says, "It's so amazing here" is like the person is giving advice from a standpoint of already having arrived or having made the decision the other is scared of making.  The one to already take it has a peace of mind.  I kind of envision this as God telling us to just let go and give things to Him, jump into His grip, and that when we are breaking down and losing control, He finds us beautiful because we're yielding our lives to Him to be able to write our stories.  He's gone before us and is trying to tell us how amazing it is once we get to a place where we don't have to worry and can solely lean on Him.  Until then, though, here's to seeing the beauty in our breakdowns.

Reflections on TV

Last night as I was flipping through channels on the TV (which, by the way, it has recently come to my attention that I pronounce this device "TEE-vee," while most and apparently the correct pronunciation is "tee-VEE"), I came across the pilot for "How I Met Your Mother."  I've seen the show a few times here and there, but I would never call myself a fan.  However, how can you resist turning down a pilot episode?  A chance to start watching a series from the very beginning?  I have entirely too much time on my hands to refuse that kind of opportunity. 

So, I watch.  I laughed and thoroughly enjoyed the episode.  Basically, Ted (the main character) was ready to get married.  When he met a girl at a bar, they engaged in friendly banter, and she accepted an invitation to go on a date the next night.  After the end of the date, Ted did not kiss her because she didn't "give him the sign."  After recapping with his friends, they encouraged him to go back and make his move.  He did, but after a fair amount of awkwardness, he again, failed to kiss the girl, leaving the audience feeling like there is no chance he would ever see her again.  In a voice-over, Ted confirmed that he did see Robin again, only she ended up becoming his sister-in-law, not his wife.  

In his final monologue, he said, "But it turns out, I was just too close to the puzzle to see the picture that was forming..."


That line is something that I have desperately been needing to hear.  I am the world's worst at picking apart daily occurrences and trying to analyze them into "what they mean" and how they can potentially affect my future.  But, at the end of the day-- I HAVE NO IDEA!  Who knows if the lobbyist I met will become my future employer or just another hand I've shaken?  Who knows if I'll still be single when I'm 30?  Who knows when I'll get my next job?  Who knows even where I'll be living in 5 years?  WHO CARES!  There is a much more holy and divine plan in the works than I could possibly fathom, and I am excited to someday be able to look back and see a glimpse of the picture that was forming and how some of the puzzle pieces fit together.  

I also think it's neat when these reminders come through a secular means.  When I pick up my Bible, I expect to be slapped in the face and reminded that the Lord is almighty, but the same cannot be said about turning on a television show.  I usually just want to escape reality or my own head.  Hearing a line that jerks you into reality and reflection when unexpected is so much more jarring and awakening.  I have no idea what the writers' true intent was behind that line, but it really is a powerful phrase. 


Here's to remembering that as much as I want to be in control, I am not.  Thank goodness for that.

Days in the Life

What have I been up to lately?

Touring the White House Garden and West Wing...

Hiking up the West Virginia hills at a Grace DC retreat with Melissa (we make up 2/3 of the blonde trio)...

Finally getting to show Becca my life in DC...

Winning a few (okay, all except the Championship, but I'm not one to brag) flag football games...



campaigning my heart out for Senator Lincoln, and ultimately job searching and looking for new opportunities...getting to go to a Razorback football game....falling in love with my church, Grace DC, and all of the amazing people that it brings together who have become my best friends... riding in an elevator with Clay Aiken... turning friends in family... going skiing at Wisp in McHenry, MD (although there is, unfortunately, no photographic evidence of this adventure)... going to symphonies and to see "The Nutcracker"... learning what it means to really be living on your own, luckily I get to figure it out with an amazing roommate and friend... going through an emotional roller coaster with a friend through the diagnosis, treatment, and survival of cancer... trying new "hot spots" in DC...and mainly, just enjoying life and whichever curve balls and blessings get thrown my way!